Struggles of a Perfectionist Mother

On my drive to work today, I could not hold back my tears. I am failing my daughters, the eldest two in particular. 

These feelings began earlier this quarter, but seeing their current grades solidified my beliefs. The eldest is smart, sweet, sarcastic, and pretty studious. That said, she failed a geometry take-home test.

With a mathematics professor sitting on the sofa every evening. 

With a mother that did not force the issue. 

The second daughter, also in middle school, is brilliant, bright, sunshiny, and also snappy. She has a D in english, along with a low C in prealegra. 

With a mathematics professor sitting on the sofa every evening. 

With a mother that is trying to let her learn lessons the hard way. 

Their academics are falling through the cracks of my teaching job and clarinet studio. I am not sitting with them after school, looking over their lessons for the day, asking comprehension questions, and teaching them how to study instead of just doing homework. 

The weight of my responsibilities to my girls as a mom and as a teacher are weighing on me. I know I am working so that they can have braces and dance classes and basketball and music lessons and english tutoring (thank you, Anna!), but I feel like my work is keeping me from being that picture of the perfect mom I have in my mind; the mom I want to be for my girls. 

I am not sure what the perfect solution is to our situation, but I do know that I need to cut back my working hours a bit next semester and make a point of sitting with each of my four girls after school and looking through their work with them on the days I am home early enough to do so this semester. I have to.

They need me. 

And where does this thought lead me every time? I need my father, my Heavenly Father. Without the love, mercy, and grace of God, I cannot accomplish my goals for myself and my family. 

While considering my need for God this morning, He spoke to me through WGTS, the DC Christian music station on the radio. Up first was "Cornerstone," which could not have been more appropriate to my thoughts and prayers at that moment. Following "Cornerstone" was "Revelation Song," singing the words, "Holy, holy, holy; Is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come." What a true example of God working through my prayers and reassuring me that He hears me and can handle any plea I place before Him. Praise be to God!

Note: when I have the chance to edit this post from something other than my phone, I will include links to these beautiful and uplifting songs. 

So This Is a Mid-Life Crisis?

I have read stories and heard of men leaving their wives of 10-15 years for a young gal and a fast car. That's a mid-life crisis. 

Or so I thought.

Here I sit at the age of 37, once one of the best high school clarinetists in the world, once considered the only Differential Equations tutor on a campus of 20,000-plus students, once a person sought out for her opinion and expertise, once one of the most successful private clarinet teachers in the entire Twin Cities metropolitan region.

Once.

Now, I am teaching remedial mathematics to adults. I literally teach middle school math to adults during the days. Without a masters degree in mathematics, the community college for whom I teach will not allow me to teach the very same courses I have already tutored or taught at two universities. I was hired to teach, yet I am handed a script for what to say and how to teach. My students attend only 25 minutes of actual lecture time per class, and the remainder is spent in a computer lab. Yes, we are "teaching" students with math anxiety or math phobia by online lessons and computer-based testing. Sure. Because that will work. Imagine me rolling my eyes obnoxiously at this point.

The other, typically primary, source of income and fulfillment for me is my clarinet studio and performance business. The state of my current studio is just sad: I have two students right now. Two. And one is not paying me. Sigh. I teach lessons on alternate weeks, which is a policy I was specifically against when running my very successful studio in Minnesota. I just do not have a choice. I went from nearly thirty students per week plus a wait list in Minnesota to one paying student twice monthly in Maryland. I just did not expect this to be the case.

On the plus side, several band directors have been quite excited about the students I do have, and they want to send me many students. The main problem is that most of these students want to just go to Music & Arts for lessons. I am now considering turning in my résumé to Music & Arts in order to get my studio filled. Another plus: Music & Arts is hiring. Crossing my fingers and praying that this will work. Performance income is non-existent, at this point. I am beginning to sort out to whom I need to become associated in order to get paid playing jobs in the area, but it will take time.

Since my clarinet studio is struggling, I have been researching what it would take to earn a masters degree in Applied Mathematics at one of the local colleges or universities. So far, I have learned that a Masters in Applied and Computational Mathematics from Johns Hopkins University would cost nearly double the same degree from Harvard. HARVARD! After looking into the program at the University of Maryland-Baltimore County, I was informed that I would not qualify for their Applied Mathematics program because of a lack of pure mathematics courses during undergrad. That makes sense. The eye-rolling thing again. 

So, I find myself at a loss as to what God has in store for me and my intended direction or vocation. Music is my passion. My life. Teaching music is the majority of that passion. I feel lost without a full studio. At the same time, I adore teaching math and seeing that realization dawning on the faces of those most challenged in mathematics. It feels wonderful to have a community of coworkers and friends at the community college, too. As a self-employed business of one, I have never really felt that sense of belonging at a work place. Well, I felt mostly that way when I taught at Groth Music in Minnesota, but I did not actually work for the store. 

The most stressful part of not being successful right now is the financial impact my family is feeling. Living in the Baltimore/DC area is ridiculously expensive, so we have made sacrifices: Our idea of vacationing is visiting a place where we can stay with friends or family, eating out is reserved for special occasions only, the kids cannot take music lessons or dance classes yet, sports are limited to those we can work into the budget easily, and more examples than I can count. While I know we are teaching our children financial responsibility by not using credit cards or taking out loans and living within our means, I feel guilty that it is my fault the girls cannot have certain things their friends have. Now, I do not want to spoil my children, either, but it would be great to actually take my kids to the movies instead of waiting for the movie to be available to rent at home, for instance. The girls do not need the newest iPhone on the market, or any iPhone, for that matter, but I would love to give them a single pair of jeans or a shirt that they want when their behavior merits a reward. 

I guess my take on the mid-life crisis is feeling like a massive failure. So, for those people wishing for me to fail at something in school, I am failing at nearly everything these days. I got sick and could not exercise for most of the last year, so I have put on weight. Failure. I am teaching remedial math to adults at a community college for a day job, and I have no career growth possible for the future. Failure. My studio is a disaster. Failure. I am moody and standoffish, so I am not being a very good wife. Failure. I have been yelling more at home and finding myself with much less patience as a mom. Failure.

What I am not failing at right now is humility. I have no choice but to humble myself before God and seek His divine plan for my future. I am not failing at loving my husband. I am not failing at loving and supporting my four girls and teaching them important life lessons. I am not failing at being a good friend, I hope. I am not failing at teaching math to the best of my abilities.

I need to focus on my successes and not my failures, but some days I just cannot stop and see the silver linings. Today has been one of those days where I feel like I just keep failing myself, my God, and my family. Instead of dwelling, I am cleaning, organizing, and doing my best to keep my mouth shut and only say positive words to my family. Where do I go from here? I have no idea, but I know it will require hours of prayer and following God's path for my life. He would never leave me feeling hopeless and without purpose in my life. 

Processing Death

And like that, she is gone.

I will miss my grandma in so many more ways than I thought I would. Her kindness, her generosity (I have never met anyone else that offers my girls "Freezey Pops" at any time of day), her sweetness, her stubbornness, her laughter; it will all be missed. 

Death wreaks havoc in many ways, and my response is particularly a multi-emotional one. I tend to have less patience with nit-picky people, grumpy people, rude people, and complainers. I cannot hide my opinion or anger or irritation very well, and I tend to blow up over insignificant things. I cry over the smallest acts of kindness, when my girls tell me they love me, or just when I feel like it. My dear husband is capable of identifying these episodes and handling them well, but others are not.

We just returned from Grandma's funeral late Monday evening, the girls went back to school on Tuesday morning, and I had a few hours of training for my new job on Wednesday. With all this in mind, my husband's parents decided that these few days out of their multiple-week trip were the ones on which to visit us. I had asked that they not come this week, even before my grandma died, but they were insistent. 

I am still angry at the world. I am angry that my grandparents are dead. I grew up next door to them, and the bulk of my childhood revolves around them. They helped to shape me into the person, wife, and parent that I am. We are inheriting a beautiful armoire and a practically brand new television from Grandma, which is fantastic, but they will not bring her back to me. We will value these things of hers, though, and we will cherish the memories we make with them and think of her fondly. 

I know my in-laws probably expect me to apologize for my behavior while they were here, but I do not have any plans to do so at this time. I am grieving. I am stressed. I needed this time with my husband and my daughters, not house guests. Yes, I poked fun at this tacky, hideous camel-shaped table that looks like it belongs in a 70s drug lord movie that they brought to my husband. Yes, I meant it. No, it will not be displayed in a prominent place in my home. Ever. My husband understands and agreed to put it somewhere more obscure. He gets me. We are on the same page. 

Perhaps I will feel like apologizing for any hurt feelings later.

Or perhaps not.

I pray that God will help me to deal with these feelings and know the wisest course of action in moving forward. I also pray that He helps my girls to heal from all of this. I will also thank Him for blessing us in so many other ways. 

Melancholy

I would like to think that I handle most things in stride. Being a mother of four necessitates such an ability, does it not? What I have come to realize about myself in the past fifteen years or so is that I do take most things in stride, but I have a truly difficult time dealing with bigger issues in a timely manner.

Given the amount of setbacks, disappointments, and family drama in my life before I ever left middle school, one would think that nothing could get to me very easily. When I ended my very intense, romantic, on-again-off-again relationship of three years back in 1999, I sank into a very deep pit of constant sadness. That same summer, when my biological parents that had promised to pay for my fifth year of undergrad changed their minds with less than one month until classes began, I panicked. Luckily for me, my husband (then brand new boyfriend) was there to pick me up and put me back together.

Moving from the east to the Midwest proved to be more than a challenging experience for me. I was enrolled in graduate school in a field that was not my passion, living in an extreme weather environment, living in sin with my husband (then fiancé), and I felt like I was in a foreign country in terms of the people. Sadly, that feeling never went away completely, even after eleven years. I had such a difficult time processing all that change at once that my guy suggested I see a counselor or he would ship me back to my folks. Yes, it was that bad. 

When my wedding dress came in in the wrong size, I worked it out with the seamstress pretty easily and without much stress. When I got pregnant nine days after we got married, I was excited, even though this was not our plan. When it came time to deliver my first child, I just did what had to be done with determination. When I got put on restricted activity with my second pregnancy, it was no big deal.

When the grandfather I grew up with as my next-door neighbor got cancer and died, I got sad and fat. I am an emotional eater. When I nearly lost my third child due to partial placental abruptions and preterm labor, I worried constantly and hid it by knitting. For a year or more after she was born, I cried just thinking about what almost was. When I found out I was pregnant for a fourth time, quite unexpectedly, I was angry and scared until two weeks before she was born. I still carry guilt over this. When my husband had to leave us behind for nine months while he moved to the east coast for a new job, I went into survival mode. I had mild PTSD for nearly one year after we were reunited.

Yes, I can roll with some punches, but others knock me to the ground.  I will manage through faith in Jesus Christ, that I know. In fact, I am more affected by the imminent passing of my grandma than anything else right now. And just like with Grandpa, I know I am eating emotionally and sleeping more and not interacting enough. 

At least I have valued the time I have had left with my dear Grandma, and my girls have grown to adore her just as much as the rest of us. We helped her pick produce in her garden last summer. We baked her zucchini bread from the zucchini we picked in her garden. The girls ate Freezey Pops all summer with her last year. We spent most of the summer in West Virginia, taking in all the time and memories we could with my parents and Grandma. We have visited her. We have called her. We have loved her.

And she has loved us.

We are blessed. 

What is it About Money?

Would this world be so bad if everyone threw out their pieces of paper and metal that signify currency? That's all they are: paper and metal. Where is Kirk or Picard with a replicator when you need one? They wiped out the need for currency in the Star Trek version of Earth, so a girl can hope.

God is my eternal light, constant companion, and source of hope and courage. He has instructed us to not worship idols, and yet our society worships money at all times and in all ways. While I try my best to remove myself from this sort of existence, I cannot seem to escape money and it's ever-growing reach. Just when it seems that my family can start to breathe a little easier, yet another financial hurdle shows up. Satan, keep your love of everything monetary. As for me and my house, we serve the Lord in all things and at all times.

I have never been, nor will I ever claim to be, a perfect person or perfect Christian. I do worry, I do slip up on occasion and say some naughty words, and I do wish I could be doing more to ease our financial strain. These financial woes are meant to be trappings of a person's twenties, not thirties, I thought. Sadly, in today's economy, I fear these financial strains may last longer than most people can imagine. Instead, we should be turning our hearts and thoughts to The Lord and asking His advice on how to handle our finances. He is the great provider, and we are charged to be good stewards of what we are given by Him.

May the good Lord always bless and keep you and make your hearts and homes rich with laughter, love, and peace. May He always provide for your needs and keep your hearts humble enough to set aside your wants in order to see what it is He wants you to see. In His holy name, Amen.

Oh, For Cute

That saying always bothered me when I lived in the Midwest, because it does not make much sense grammatically. It is, however, entirely appropriate at times. For me, one of those moments occurred in the past few weeks.

On January 2nd, I went to see my family practitioner for my annual exam. Now, any woman that has had an annual physical can tell you that it is all about making one uncomfortable. There is talk of weight, menstrual cycles, birth control, and anything else the doctor deems necessary.

Perhaps one of the most uncomfortable moments for me always happens when it is time for the breast exam. The doctor always pushes too hard, and I am not much of a fan of sharing my breasts with anyone other than my husband of nearly twelve years. This is where things got a little concerning, though.

My doctor was concerned about bumps she found in nearly the same location on each breast. My faith in God and knowledge that eating a vegan diet nearly erases one's risk of developing cancer helped to assuage any personal worry. I scheduled a mammogram per her request and awaited the results. Once they arrived, saying that I have no abnormalities, I realized what my doctor was concerned about: my pectoral muscles from all the weight lifting I do.

Oh, for cute.

Resolutions

Okay, resolution time:

1. Continue to praise God every day with my actions and intent. 
2. Continue my journey to great health. 
3. Finally get back to scrapbooking regularly. 
4. Finish more projects. 
5. Learn to say, "No."  
6. Catch up on blogging and my website posts.

Number one seems like it should be easy to accomplish, on the surface, but focusing my thoughts on always being the type of person that pleases God is quite difficult.  You know that moment when you think, "Why is she wearing that?" or "Wow, that is not being a good parent," or "Why do others have so much when I have so little?"  Those moments of thought are the ones that do not follow God's word.  Those thoughts are judgmental and covetous.  See?  It really is difficult.

Number two is definitely happening, because I love the changes I have made and seen in myself over the past twelve months.  I am in much better health than I have been since my late teens, and being strong is so empowering.  Eating strictly vegan dishes, instead of mostly-vegan, cutting down the sweets (again), and not eating after 7:00 pm (again) are my first objects to tackle.  In addition, I have decided to change up my exercise routine a bit in the hopes of kick-starting my weight loss again.

Number three has been bothering me since we moved to Maryland.  In Minnesota, I cropped regularly (at least monthly) with a fantastic group of women at a local scrapbooking store, but I have yet to find such a place in Maryland just yet.  Have I really exerted much effort in the search?  Not so much.  My fault?  Absolutely.  Will I be rectifying this situation in short order?  Definitely.

Number four has been a personal challenge and cause for several years now.  I am horrible collector of ridiculously creative ideas and materials that never get used to their fullest potential.  Chronically.  The bulk of this trait can be referenced back to number three above.  I love resolutions that build on one another.

Number five is, by far, the single most difficult task ahead of me.  I love making people happy and spending time with others, which leads me to over-schedule my life sometimes and over-extend myself quite often.  I need to learn to say no in a kind and considerate, yet firm, way.  Please have patience with me while I endeavor to perfect this necessary balance in my life, friends and family.

Number six is all about procrastination and lack of desire to remain stationary for very long.  Someone should author an application for blogging via voice.  Boy, would I love to multi-task this way by blogging while on the treadmill at the gym.  Oh!  How about a treadmill or stationary bike with a built in tablet?  Now, who is the genius?  This gal.

Tragedy

The hearts and prayers of my family go out to anyone affected by the Connecticut school shooting and scared parents all over the country. We will pray for these beautiful children, their families, their friends, their teachers, their administrators, and their community. We will also pray for an end to the most despicable type of violence: that against children. Please pray for our country and these families and hug your own family a little tighter today.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 30

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am extraordinarily thankful for a kind, loving, forgiving God that sacrificed his son that we may all receive forgiveness. My thirty days of being grateful has certainly helped to set my mind and soul back on the right(eous) path. Thank you, Lord!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 19

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful for being respected as a musician, teacher, and advocate for the arts. What a blessing and a dream fulfilled to be doing exactly what I'm meant to do and earning the respect of my colleagues in the process.

I have known since the age of sixteen that I want to be a professional musician and music teacher.  I have worked tirelessly for the past twenty years to make this dream a reality.

When I was in high school, I poured myself into my music and schoolwork as a means to garner recognition, awards, and scholarships.  I was determined to see that I "got out" of West Virginia and made something of myself.  As time passed and I gained more and more recognition on the national level, I realized how much my music was a part of who I was, a part of my very soul. There really was no other career path for me. I was meant to be a musician and a music teacher. That is just who I am.

Following graduation from college, I moved to Minnesota to begin my new life with The Boy.  When I moved to Minnesota, I knew no one other than my then-fiancé.  After working in the engineering and mathematics fields for the first 15 months, I was absolutely miserable.  Granted, I loved teaching College Algebra at the University of Minnesota, but it still left a bit of a hole.  I will not even go into the horrible experience I had with civil engineering and how depressing I found it as a career.  Suffice to say that civil engineering is definitely not the creative outlet I need.

While a newlywed and freshly pregnant (my honeymoon souvenir), I began to seek out new opportunities with my music.  There is a fantastic music store in the Twin Cities that hired me to teach beginning clarinet and saxophone lessons for them, and my studio began to bloom.  I became bolder in my self-promotion, and my friends and colleagues suggested me to many schools as a teacher.  Before I knew it, I found myself with a clarinet studio of 30 students per week and a waiting list.  What a huge blessing.  Performance opportunities were always available to me, as well, but my mainstay was my teaching studio.


It was quite difficult for me to leave behind the business I had spent cultivating for ten of my eleven years in Minnesota, but I was able to suggest replacement teachers with confidence.  I have begun this process anew in Maryland, and I am feeling much more confident in my ability to build another successful studio.  I have been welcomed with open arms by the county school system here, and it has given me renewed hope for future success.  While I know it will take time to build another program, I know that God is with me every step of the way.  He has lead me to so many incredible music educators already.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 18

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful to have been raised by godly, wonderful, kind, loving, fair, supportive, firm, and responsible parents. 

I believe that people are products of nature and nurture, but nurture is definitely the largest component of personality and morality, in my opinion.  While I was not raised by my biological parents, I was blessed to be given the most incredible parents a child could want.  

My parents raised me to be respectful, responsible, faithful, determined, independent, educated, and kind.  These traits are now being passed on to my four daughters in much the same ways they were passed on to me via my dad's family.  My children can often be overheard saying, "Now I know where Mom learned how to be a Mom," when we are at my parent's home.  I love hearing those words, because they make me feel like I just might be able to live up to the example set for me by my parents and extended family.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 14

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I find myself extraordinarily thankful that I had four pregnancies that carried to term and brought home four healthy, incredible baby girls. Thank you Lord for these four miracles that give back to me in a multitude of ways daily. My life will forever be *millions* of times more meaningful and happy because of my children.

Today, I was moved by a post concerning the incredible organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  This is an excerpt from their website concerning what NILMDTS does:

NILMDTS extends our sincerest sympathy to families who are in need of our services. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of NILMDTS. We hope the gift we provide will bring some peace and comfort during this very difficult time.

I have been blessed to never have to experience the kind of loss these parents have, and words simply cannot express my gratitude for this blessing.  God has truly kept me and my girls firmly in His grasp and saved us from this sort of heartbreak.  When I found out that a childhood friend recently experienced such a loss, it broke my heart all over again.

Please pray for these parents, babies, medical professionals, and the caring photographers that volunteer to document their last moments with their children.  As a photographer and a mother, I do not know that I could handle taking these sorts of images, because my heart would be breaking and tears streaming down my face the entire time.  As it is, my cheeks are wet just writing this post.

Please consider donating to the March of Dimes or NILMDTS.  Please help spread awareness for prenatal care, genetic testing, and follow-up care.  Pray for those affected by illness, accident, and stillbirth.  For those of us that have our children at home with us, we should hug them that much tighter today.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 13

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful that my camera will soon be on its way back to me. I never fully realized how much I truly love shooting nearly every day until I could no longer do so.

My Nikon camera stopped functioning properly several weeks ago, and I sold one of my lensed to pay for the repair.  As of today, it looks like my camera will be shipped back to me within the day.

To say that I have felt lost and in a bit of despair without my camera is completely accurate.  I had just begun yet another photo project, knowing not to promise a daily photo this time, and I could not force myself to take those photos with my iPhone camera.  Without a point-and-shoot, I have been relying solely on that iPhone, and it has not let me down.  I have been realistic in my expectations of the photos taken with my phone, which has helped quite a lot.  Those pages in the girls' scrapbooks will just have a little extra story to them.  That is not such a bad thing, though.

The lack of a camera body has lead me to rent another camera from borrowlenses.com for a children's shoot, which has made me very excited at the idea of buying a lightly-used one from a colleague that is a brilliant photographer.  This whole experience, in fact, has helped me to define my actual needs versus wants in my photography business.  In addition, I have been able to really define my style and editing process and be more organized about how I want to approach my photography business in the future.

Once again, I find myself thanking God for yet another blessing in disguise.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 11

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful for science and medicine.  After feeling pretty rotten last night, I was able to take some medicine to ease my discomfort. This is not readily available in every place in our world, so I am extremely grateful.

As I have become healthier, I have completely overhauled how, where, and when I eat.  I strayed from that plan yesterday afternoon, eating chicken nuggets and fries from Chick-fil-A (definitely not the best choice for an aspiring vegan), and I paid for it all afternoon and evening. The high salt content wrecked my system, and I found myself incredibly nauseous, bloated, in pain, with a headache, and in need of a bathroom for the rest of the day and night.  If it were not for the over-the-counter medicines readily available to me, I would have been miserable for so very much longer.

We tend to take for granted things that others in this world have never even experienced.  Especially at this time of year, I find myself so very thankful for all the comforts I have.  Thank you, Lord, for the doctors, nurses, technicians, pharmacists, and research scientists that you have put in our world to aide us in becoming or remaining healthier.  Thank you, medical professionals, for the work you do every day in our world.  Your work is truly admirable.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 10

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful for God's presence in my life and His pushes to be in the right places at the right times.

My journey toward appreciating what I already have is blessing me in a multitude of ways.  I mentioned in a previous post that I have been struggling with the direction in which I would like to take my life.  I have been playing my clarinet (followed by my flute and borrowed saxophones) since I was sixteen, and I have been a paid private instructor since I was nineteen.  That is a lot of time dedicated to my passions, and I do not intend to give up on them anytime soon.  The Lord blessed me with these talents, and I do not intend to minimize them.

I serve on the Howard County Fine Arts Advisory Council, as well as serve as the technology liaison, and this affiliation has lead to many wonderful opportunities for me on a business and personal level.  I have been added to the Howard County Parents for School Music committee as a representative for my daughters' school, the county listing of private instructors, participated on the music panel for our annual Fine Arts College Information Night, and I have been able to network with an abundance of incredibly kind and talented members and supporters of the arts community in Howard County.

One of these incredibly talents supporter of the arts community serves on the HCFAAC and works for the county parks and recreation program.  When she put together a Teen Opportunities Fair, I was so honored that she asked me to represent Music in Howard County.  Having served on the music panel for our College Information Night in 2011 and 2012 helped me on my way to gathering the necessary information for parents and students, but I still had to dig through the information on the county website for even more opportunities that I knew existed.  My extensive experience with teaching advanced high school students in Minnesota for eleven years allowed me to locate the links and information for the Maryland equivalent events, thankfully.

Today was the Teen Opportunities Fair, and I cannot even speak now after standing and conversing with parents and students for over three hours.   I decided to educate parents not only on the opportunities for advancement through and outside of school but also on the process of choosing the appropriate private music instructor.  I brought my teaching curriculum, copies of my résumé, and business cards with me to use as an indicator for a quality private instructor.  What I did not expect to happen was the volume of my business cards that were taken and an impromptu deeper conversation on my teaching ideals and processes with a band director from one of the best music programs in the state.  God put me in the right place at the right time, discussing what I love to do with all my heart.

**11/27: As an update, this trend continued on Monday, November 12th, when the manager of a local music store asked for my card to discuss having me teach there, too.  I have messaged the high school teacher, and I have yet to hear from the store manager, but I am optimistic that these opportunities will come to fruition in due time.  It's all in the Lord's hands and His timing.  If you feel so inclined, I would love prayers of support and encouragement for these potential opportunities to get my clarinet studio back to what it was in Minnesota.  Thank you from every part of my heart.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 9

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful for the smiles of my children.  Their sweet faces light up my day. 

My four daughters have given my life meaning that I never knew it could have.  Seeing those gorgeous faces light up in happiness just fills my heart with so much joy that I can hardly stand it.  Thank you, God, for blessing me with their smiles every day.  Thank you for allowing me the honor of being their mother.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 8

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.


Today is so easy. Today, I am thankful for my N. She was my miracle baby six years ago, and she is still my little sweetheart. She has a huge heart and lots of attitude. Happy birthday, N! 

To call my N a miracle is not to be taken lightly.  The only reason she is alive is through the sheer grace of God.

We knew we wanted a third child, so Jim and I were overjoyed when it did not take long to get pregnant.  We thought that would be our last pregnancy, but that is an entirely different, and happy, story.  Everything seemed to be going along as expected with my third pregnancy until I slipped and fell in the bath tub at eight weeks.  At this point, I had not been to see my doctor yet, as per his policy of waiting until 12-14 weeks, and there would have been nothing for him to do if I had fallen badly enough to harm the baby or my womb.  As it was, nothing come of this fall other than a few ugly bruises.

At nineteen weeks pregnant, my stubbornness kicked in when my dishwasher stopped working while my husband was out of town on business.  What would a sane, rational, woman do?  Wait until her husband comes home to install a new one.  What did this insane, irrational, pregnant woman do?  Install it herself the same day he was due home.  I did not over-exert myself or put myself in any danger.  All seemed well.

After my husband returned home that evening, I picked up my then two-year-old daughter to take her to bed.  I felt a sharp pain in my side, but I thought nothing of it.  After tucking in my two other daughters, reading, and singing to them, I headed to the bathroom for the twentieth time that day, thinking it would be like any other day.  My husband knew there was a problem when I began shrieking from the bathroom.  I was bleeding.  That is one of the scariest things to see when one is mid-pregnancy.  Yes, spotting and some light bleeding is common in the beginning and the end of a pregnancy, but those months in between the two should be blood-free.  This was my third pregnancy, and I found myself in unknown territory.

Luckily, I had my mid-term ultrasound scheduled for the very next morning.  As I had already been having minor Braxton-Hicks contractions for weeks, I was quite anxious to have the ultrasound and know that my baby was fine.  Although the technician was not able to find a placental abruption, my doctor felt the need to keep a closer eye on me.  Research shows that only, approximately, fifty percent of placental abruptions can be diagnosed with ultrasound (that number could be different six years later, but those were the statistics when it applied to us).  

As the next two weeks ticked by, I began to notice a lot of cramping and tightness in my uterus.  Being experienced in birthing children, I knew this was not something I wanted to happen mid-pregnancy.  When I brought it up with my doctor, he immediately prescribed partial bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy.  I was able to continue teaching in 1.5-hour slots of time, with my feet up, not playing my clarinet, and drinking water the whole time.  After 1.5 hours, I was to rest on my left side for thirty minutes before sitting up to teach again.  

I spent an entire summer with my altered routine, all while taking care of my older children, two and four at the time, from the sofa.  My dear, sweet husband would make them lunches and fill their sippy cups every morning and leave them low enough in the refrigerator for my eldest to reach them.  I would read the girls books and play games and watch fun shows with them from my jail cell on the sofa, and they would bring me anything I might need that they could reach.  They were, and are, the best girls in the world.  

Yet another blessing to count in this post is that my mother-in-law taught me how to knit in February of 2006, just four months before my 4.5-month bedrest sentence.  My sweet, patient husband took me every Saturday to my favorite local yarn store, the Yarn Garage in Rosemount, MN, to buy more yarn and patterns to keep me sane.  >I spent those 4.5 months drinking water, resting, reading, and knitting while fighting the preterm labor that threatened to deliver my third child much, much too early.  While those months were worth every second to ensure that my darling N was healthy, my health and playing deteriorated as I was completely inactive.  Again, that is another story for another post.

By late October, at 38 weeks pregnant, I decided that I had had enough of lying around.  I tried to become more involved with day-to-day activities in our home again, but those months of atrophied muscles made it more difficult.  Again, my stubborn nature reigned supreme, and I ended up with a stress fracture in my right foot just one day before delivering my little N.  

At 39 weeks gestation, my doctor induced my labor due to a lightning fast delivery with my second (1.5 hours of labor, three pushes, a 9-pound baby, and I was up and walking within twenty minutes).  Based on the months of complications, we were placed in the very first room by the nurses station, and a NICU team was on call for my delivery.  After starting the Pitocin drip and breaking my water, the nurse came rushing back into my room to turn down the dosage.  N was not tolerating the medicine well, and this trend continued as she repeatedly became distressed when the Pitocin was increased.  Eventually, we opted to nearly turn it off and let nature take its course.

Once our room full of concerned family members took a much-needed break for dinner, everything happened all at once.  I was able to stand without worrying that my dear father-in-law would see my bare bottom, so I took full advantage.  I stood and hugged my husband, and that was all it took for my labor to hit the overdrive stage.  Within ten minutes I went from 4 cm dilation to delivering.  This is precisely the reason my doctor scheduled an induction.

Because of the rapidity of my delivery, the NICU team had to take N very quickly for evaluation.  I barely got to see her, after reaching near-hysteria because the doctor was not showing her to me, before the kind NICU team went to work.  I was so engrossed in watching every movement she and the NICU team made that I was barely aware that I was following instructions to expel the placenta.  I vaguely noticed a weird feeling following the delivery of her placenta, but I was still focused on my new baby.  It turns out that my "weird" feeling was passing two fist-sized blood clots from behind N's placenta from my two partial placental abruptions.

If I had ever needed more proof of God's continued miracles on this planet, that was it for me and anyone else in the room.  He is the reason those blood clots did not kill my baby.  He is the reason why my bedrest was enough to keep my preterm labor at bay.  He is the reason she was fine after having a large vial of amniotic fluid pulled from her lungs by the NICU team.  He is the reason why my pediatrician talked the hospital into not making me put N back in for her jaundice.  He is the reason I have her.  Period.  There is no question in my heart, mind, or soul.  He is the reason we named her what we did, because her name means, "Born of God."  Thank you, Lord, for the most amazing and stubborn and incredible little N a mother could have.

**Note: I have chosen not to include her full name or photos, because my blog is set to public.  I do not wish to allow photos of my children to on the web without strict controls over who can see the photos.  Thank you for understanding my concerns.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 7

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful for new opportunities and the support of colleagues. 

I have been struggling a lot with the direction of my future once the end of August arrives.  What is so special about the end of August?  My baby will enter kindergarten, and I will no longer be a stay-at-home-mom.  At that point, I have no reason to stay at home any longer.  Yes, I know I could volunteer at school, clean my house even more, etc., but that is just not enough for me.  In fact, the majority of my closest friends were blown away by my decision to stay at home with my children in the very beginning, eleven years ago.  It was, and still is, the very best choice for my four daughters, and I do not regret making such a choice.  But it was still a surprising choice given my level of ambition and talent.  

Fast forward to, say, three months ago.  As my third daughter climbed up the steps of the bus for her first day of kindergarten, I suddenly realized that my days at home were numbered.  What did this mean?  Should I go back to school?  Should I dust off that worthless piece of paper that is my civil engineering degree and go back to it (enter vomiting motions here)?  Should I just continue to stay at home and practice my face off every day in order to get a playing job in a symphony?  

These questions and more have been flooding my head for months now.  Once the news about all these orchestras being frozen out by their management started multiplying, panic set in.  As a professional clarinetist, what prospects are left for my future?  Am I going to have to seek employment in Europe, where audiences still flock to orchestra concerts?  WIll I be able to find a job as a clarinet professor?  Is my profession on the wane?  With the rise in insipid, sophomoric popular music, is it still possible for the general public to enjoy music with real content in today's world?  I wish I knew the answers.  

In an effort to feel more included at the girls' new school and cultivate more connections to the music community in our school district, I began volunteering every Wednesday morning in the music room.  What a blessing that has been!  I cannot begin to say enough good things about the general music teacher and her Recorder Karate program.  These third graders are playing recorder, including traditional American hymns and folk music, and LOVING it.  I mean, LOVING it.  These fine young musicians work so hard every week to impress both me and their teacher with their progress.

This leads me to my reason for gratitude for today.  Alison, the general music teacher, asked me if I would consider teaching for our school district.  She said that I would make a fantastic addition to the program, and she knows that I would have the full support of several teachers.  That really made me think about my future and an option I had eliminated when I was eighteen.  As a freshman in undergraduate studies, I ruled out a degree in music education simply because of the marching band requirement.  The marching band practices conflicted with orchestra, and I was the only freshman clarinet player in orchestra.  I could not skip out on the type of playing I wanted to do for the rest of my life just to march around and play a shoddy plastic clarinet that would not be heard anyway.  I am a classical, orchestral clarinet player, and field marching just is not my "thing."  It never has been; it never will be.  So, I opted for the bachelors program in music performance instead.

That said, I think I may truly enjoy teaching general music or beginning band.  Ideally, I would love to work only with the beginner woodwind classes, but I realize this is a pipe dream.  So, I find myself now re-visting a career path for which I thought I did not have the patience.  I have not made up my mind as to whether or not I want to pursue this path, but to know that I have the votes of confidence from several members of the music teaching community in my school district really helps.  I still do not know what my future holds, but I do know it will involve music at all times.  That is just who I am.  My prayers have turned more toward trusting God to know what is best for me, and I know that He alone is the one in control of where my future leads.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 5

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful that my dad's surgery went well. I can't wait to call and talk to him myself.

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer last month, and he went in for seeded radiation surgery today.  I am so thankful to God for seeing my dad through the surgery without complication.  He is at home, resting and relaxing for a few days.  My prayers will continue for a full recovery and remission, and I know the Lord will grant those requests easily.  

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 4

As I posted today on Facebook, I need to refocus my trust in God to provide what we truly need, so I think it is time to start up some thankful posting.

Today, I am thankful for a patient, kind, and loving husband. Did I mention patient? 

I have no qualms in admitting that I can be a bit, well, demanding.  Incredibly so, some days.  Through it all, my husband remains so patient with me, and I do not know what I would do without his support.  His sense of humor and ability to allow things to roll off his back have helped to bring down my somewhat higher level of maintenance over the past thirteen years together.  I pray that we can continue to laugh our way through the obstacles yet to come in life.