I have read stories and heard of men leaving their wives of 10-15 years for a young gal and a fast car. That's a mid-life crisis.
Or so I thought.
Here I sit at the age of 37, once one of the best high school clarinetists in the world, once considered the only Differential Equations tutor on a campus of 20,000-plus students, once a person sought out for her opinion and expertise, once one of the most successful private clarinet teachers in the entire Twin Cities metropolitan region.
Once.
Now, I am teaching remedial mathematics to adults. I literally teach middle school math to adults during the days. Without a masters degree in mathematics, the community college for whom I teach will not allow me to teach the very same courses I have already tutored or taught at two universities. I was hired to teach, yet I am handed a script for what to say and how to teach. My students attend only 25 minutes of actual lecture time per class, and the remainder is spent in a computer lab. Yes, we are "teaching" students with math anxiety or math phobia by online lessons and computer-based testing. Sure. Because that will work. Imagine me rolling my eyes obnoxiously at this point.
The other, typically primary, source of income and fulfillment for me is my clarinet studio and performance business. The state of my current studio is just sad: I have two students right now. Two. And one is not paying me. Sigh. I teach lessons on alternate weeks, which is a policy I was specifically against when running my very successful studio in Minnesota. I just do not have a choice. I went from nearly thirty students per week plus a wait list in Minnesota to one paying student twice monthly in Maryland. I just did not expect this to be the case.
On the plus side, several band directors have been quite excited about the students I do have, and they want to send me many students. The main problem is that most of these students want to just go to Music & Arts for lessons. I am now considering turning in my résumé to Music & Arts in order to get my studio filled. Another plus: Music & Arts is hiring. Crossing my fingers and praying that this will work. Performance income is non-existent, at this point. I am beginning to sort out to whom I need to become associated in order to get paid playing jobs in the area, but it will take time.
Since my clarinet studio is struggling, I have been researching what it would take to earn a masters degree in Applied Mathematics at one of the local colleges or universities. So far, I have learned that a Masters in Applied and Computational Mathematics from Johns Hopkins University would cost nearly double the same degree from Harvard. HARVARD! After looking into the program at the University of Maryland-Baltimore County, I was informed that I would not qualify for their Applied Mathematics program because of a lack of pure mathematics courses during undergrad. That makes sense. The eye-rolling thing again.
So, I find myself at a loss as to what God has in store for me and my intended direction or vocation. Music is my passion. My life. Teaching music is the majority of that passion. I feel lost without a full studio. At the same time, I adore teaching math and seeing that realization dawning on the faces of those most challenged in mathematics. It feels wonderful to have a community of coworkers and friends at the community college, too. As a self-employed business of one, I have never really felt that sense of belonging at a work place. Well, I felt mostly that way when I taught at Groth Music in Minnesota, but I did not actually work for the store.
The most stressful part of not being successful right now is the financial impact my family is feeling. Living in the Baltimore/DC area is ridiculously expensive, so we have made sacrifices: Our idea of vacationing is visiting a place where we can stay with friends or family, eating out is reserved for special occasions only, the kids cannot take music lessons or dance classes yet, sports are limited to those we can work into the budget easily, and more examples than I can count. While I know we are teaching our children financial responsibility by not using credit cards or taking out loans and living within our means, I feel guilty that it is my fault the girls cannot have certain things their friends have. Now, I do not want to spoil my children, either, but it would be great to actually take my kids to the movies instead of waiting for the movie to be available to rent at home, for instance. The girls do not need the newest iPhone on the market, or any iPhone, for that matter, but I would love to give them a single pair of jeans or a shirt that they want when their behavior merits a reward.
I guess my take on the mid-life crisis is feeling like a massive failure. So, for those people wishing for me to fail at something in school, I am failing at nearly everything these days. I got sick and could not exercise for most of the last year, so I have put on weight. Failure. I am teaching remedial math to adults at a community college for a day job, and I have no career growth possible for the future. Failure. My studio is a disaster. Failure. I am moody and standoffish, so I am not being a very good wife. Failure. I have been yelling more at home and finding myself with much less patience as a mom. Failure.
What I am not failing at right now is humility. I have no choice but to humble myself before God and seek His divine plan for my future. I am not failing at loving my husband. I am not failing at loving and supporting my four girls and teaching them important life lessons. I am not failing at being a good friend, I hope. I am not failing at teaching math to the best of my abilities.
I need to focus on my successes and not my failures, but some days I just cannot stop and see the silver linings. Today has been one of those days where I feel like I just keep failing myself, my God, and my family. Instead of dwelling, I am cleaning, organizing, and doing my best to keep my mouth shut and only say positive words to my family. Where do I go from here? I have no idea, but I know it will require hours of prayer and following God's path for my life. He would never leave me feeling hopeless and without purpose in my life.
