Struggles of a Perfectionist Mother

On my drive to work today, I could not hold back my tears. I am failing my daughters, the eldest two in particular. 

These feelings began earlier this quarter, but seeing their current grades solidified my beliefs. The eldest is smart, sweet, sarcastic, and pretty studious. That said, she failed a geometry take-home test.

With a mathematics professor sitting on the sofa every evening. 

With a mother that did not force the issue. 

The second daughter, also in middle school, is brilliant, bright, sunshiny, and also snappy. She has a D in english, along with a low C in prealegra. 

With a mathematics professor sitting on the sofa every evening. 

With a mother that is trying to let her learn lessons the hard way. 

Their academics are falling through the cracks of my teaching job and clarinet studio. I am not sitting with them after school, looking over their lessons for the day, asking comprehension questions, and teaching them how to study instead of just doing homework. 

The weight of my responsibilities to my girls as a mom and as a teacher are weighing on me. I know I am working so that they can have braces and dance classes and basketball and music lessons and english tutoring (thank you, Anna!), but I feel like my work is keeping me from being that picture of the perfect mom I have in my mind; the mom I want to be for my girls. 

I am not sure what the perfect solution is to our situation, but I do know that I need to cut back my working hours a bit next semester and make a point of sitting with each of my four girls after school and looking through their work with them on the days I am home early enough to do so this semester. I have to.

They need me. 

And where does this thought lead me every time? I need my father, my Heavenly Father. Without the love, mercy, and grace of God, I cannot accomplish my goals for myself and my family. 

While considering my need for God this morning, He spoke to me through WGTS, the DC Christian music station on the radio. Up first was "Cornerstone," which could not have been more appropriate to my thoughts and prayers at that moment. Following "Cornerstone" was "Revelation Song," singing the words, "Holy, holy, holy; Is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come." What a true example of God working through my prayers and reassuring me that He hears me and can handle any plea I place before Him. Praise be to God!

Note: when I have the chance to edit this post from something other than my phone, I will include links to these beautiful and uplifting songs. 

Frustration

I have heard so many wax poetic that the obesity epidemic in the world today is directly related to a lack of physical activity. Others claim the cause is poor nutrition and lack of self-control. If either, or both, are correct, what is wrong with me and those like me?

Let me paint a picture of my week:

• I do one hour of intense Zumba Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
• My husband and I take at least a 2-mile walk 5-7 days per week.
• I drink over 100 ounces of water daily.
• I drink a soy milk and green superfoods drink every morning.
• I eat a primarily vegan diet with the occasional chicken breast or hamburger added to the mix. 
• Our home is dairy-free and, mostly, gluten-free, thanks to Celiac Disease in my husband and second daughter.
• I spend Tuesdays and Thursdays on my feet 10:00 am until 4:00 pm, teaching college mathematics.
• In addition to teaching math, I also teach clarinet and flute lessons on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.
• When I teach all day, I drink a vegan meal-replacement shake and eat a Clif Bar for lunch.
• I have four daughters, a husband, an orange furbaby, and a home to tend.
• I play in a woodwind trio, woodwind quintet, and orchestra.
• I am planning a solo clarinet/chamber music recital.
• I practice one hour or more daily.

My point? I am far from lazy, I do not overeat, and I eat pretty healthy food.

Why, then, am I gaining weight instead of losing? I suspect a few culprits:

1. A healthy body requires at least eight hours of sleep per night, and I am averaging just under seven right now.
2. Weight training is missing from my routine.
3. My stress levels have soared this semester.
4. Although I eat heathy foods, and not too much of anything, I do still have a bit of a sweet tooth.
5. Hormonal fluctuations that are not being adequately subdued by my current medication.
6. Asthma that is not as under control as it used to be.

My plan is to start with the first item on my problem list and work my way through them until I discover what is stopping my weight loss. I have lost it all before, and I can again.