Today, I am thankful that I have so much classic literature in my personal library. With all the less-than-stellar popular novels out these days that don't seem to have been edited at all, I love that I can turn to Twain, Steinbeck, Shakespeare, and the like to help right my literary world once more.
**Disclaimer: Not only does this review contain spoilers, but it is not intended for the younger members of my audience. Adult subjects are included in this review.
A dear friend shared some sage advice from her father, a writer: Never read a book written in first person. I wish I had heard that advice before I cracked open this book.
I read the first book of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy at the suggestion of several friends, including the one that lent me the book. Is this really what tops the New York Times bestsellers list these days? Do none of the publishing houses require editors any longer? Has society become so out-of-touch with reality that we are supposed to believe (1) a reclusive, 27 year-old billionaire with the body of Adonis, (2) a nearly-22 year-old virgin without strong religious beliefs that is apparently super smart and beautiful, (3) this book was written by someone other than a wildly inexperienced, fourteen-year-old girl with less than average writing skills and a completely screwed up idea of what romance is?
No, it is not the first time I've heard of BDSM--I blame all the crazy artistic types in my life for educating me on all the darker things out there--and it did not surprise me that Christian was into it. Wait. I am getting ahead of myself.
For those who have yet to read this book, let me get you up to speed: Ana's roommate gets the flu and cannot attend an interview, so she sends Ana in her place. Ana and Christian Grey hit it off in the interview, he basically stalks her, and she falls for him. He does not like to be touched, he is moody, and he buys Ana all sorts of crazy gifts. They have a lot of sex, and he has a room of BDSM gear that Ana calls "The Red Room of Pain." They have more sex. He makes up rules and ignores them. She cries. They have more sex. Anna's roommate dates Christian's brother, Christian rescues Ana repeatedly, and she allows him to tell her what to do. How very 1950s, right? Oh, and they have more sex. She wises up and leaves (for all of five days, but they still end up getting married in the end, I have heard). The end.
Problem number one arose quite quickly: if Ana's roommate had worked for six months to garner an exclusive interview with a multi-billionaire, she would drug herself enough to forget she had the flu and do the interview anyway. She most certainly would not pawn it off on an inexperienced non-journalist. Obviously, this interview and its subject were very important to her, and if she persisted in calling his office daily for six months to request the interview, a little sickness would not deter her.
Problem two is the writing style, or lack there of. The beginning and end of the book could not have been edited by the same person as the middle, because there are major grammatical errors and a sophomoric level of vocabulary. Ana constantly refers to her female genitalia as "down there." Are we to believe that a book labeled with a mature content warning would lamely refer to genitals as "down there"? In the middle, she improves slightly, and I mean slightly, by referring to her genitalia as her "sex". So, the author is comfortable writing about penetration with a riding crop but not with the words "clitoris" or "vagina"? Sigh.
While the overall vocabulary, grammar, and style improve in the middle, the same phrases and actions are used ad nauseum. Ana constantly mutters, "Jeez," Christian frowns, Ana bites her lip, Christian runs his hand through his hair, Ana rolls her eyes, Christian's demeanor changes on a dime, Ana wants to touch him, and Christian does not want to be touched. Yes, the sexual encounters are written fairly well, but all but only two or three of them even include any part of BDSM. Most of the trysts are normal sexual encounters, albeit a couple of them involved tying Ana's hands together with a tie (so cliché). After finishing the book, I still find myself wondering why BDSM even entered the picture. It came across as more of a novelty, really.
Problem four is the character of Anastasia Steele. First of all, that name. Really? On top of that, I am lead to believe that Ana is nearly-twenty-two, beautiful, brilliant, and a virgin. Okay. I am assuming strong religious beliefs will enter the picture, but they do not. Hmmm. This is sounding less likely. She has not even touched herself at that age? This is getting a lot less believable. She has multiple orgasms on her first sexual experience and every single time after that? All plausibility just went down the drain. Gone. Done. This is ridiculous. Did I mention that she can orgasm on Christian's command?
Problem five is the character of Christian Grey. I am expected to accept that he is twenty-seven, has the body of a Greek god, and is a billionaire. I found myself still wondering how he got to be a billionaire at the end of the book. Apparently, he can play the piano beautifully, masterfully choose wine, and hock Apple, Blackberry, and Audi repeatedly, too. Sure. My husband and I joke that he is really a vampire, which is how he learned so much and got so rich. Considering that Fifty Shades began as Twilight fan fiction, it would fit. I digress.
On and on the list goes, which is why I am so thankful that I can turn to masterfully-written pieces of literature to right my slightly askew brain. I have never been so happy to crack the spine of my Twain short stories collection. Thank you to all my wonderful English teachers that taught me to value the classics.
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